Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm On My Way ...


I feel like writing lately. It's been a while since I just sat down and wrote everything that comes to my mind. Lately the extremely cold weather has been the source of all my problems, but January is still starting the year off pretty good. I've been in a good mood for the last couple days. Been keeping myself busy and planning events with my friends. I'm going to see Valentine's Day with Kasey in February. It seems like I haven't seen Kasey in for like ever. August? Geez! This year, Valentine's Day will probably be the same as it is every year. Sad and lonely. I'm still single. Every time I think I get a guy that's worth being with, in a week he changes my mind. I'm done looking for boys. I'm going to let them come to me instead. And I'm just going to spend time being me, and doing school and doing single independent stuff. I'm sure I won’t be single forever. Boys are so aggravating to deal with sometimes.

I've been also looking through some of my old journals and how my mind has totally changed in the last two years. I was so creative and art was a way of looking at things. I lost that, and I want to go back to it all. The time where I hung out with my friends just to take pictures, and create memories and then posted our adventures in a journal. The time before all my friends moved, or went to Juvie, or stopped talking to me. I hate being home schooled and I admit it. I thought it was better for me. But it just killed all my power to be social and outgoing and to see my friends. Freshman year was the happiest year for me and it was only two years ago. What happened? I'm on my way going back to all that. Reminiscing for the last few weeks really helped putting my mind back in the way it used to be. I feel like I want to do something now. I know this is all in the past and I feel very productive. I'm on my way to becoming the person I want to be in life. It might take some time and a few changes in my appearance, but this charade I've been playing for the last two years is over. People grow up & I'm still growing up.

It's not on my list of new years resolutions but I decided I'm going to start working out. Probably because I looked in the mirror the other day and noticed how skinny my arms are. It's not attractive and it defiantly can't be healthy either. After I learn how to drive, I think I'm going to go out looking for a job. Just something small until I can get my web design business into effect. I'm in desperate need of money. I also think this town, this neighborhood; this house is keeping me from experiencing the life I want to. I feel trapped. I'm a city boy at heart and I'm living in the most country type of suburb ever. There's literally a barn with cows and chickens right across from my house. I don't want that. I want to live in somewhere where it's busy. Like New York City or anywhere there is a nightlife. I want to go to elegant restaurants. I want to go clubbing and meet new people. I want to live in a sea full of diamonds and experience going to a beach. I want to ride a taxi from one end of the city to the other. I want to see large skyscrapers and go to fashion shows and see the more elegant way of living. I want to go to the mall and being able to buy the two hundred dollar Rolex watch the minute I walk past the window and see it. I hope one day I can live like this. But as of right now, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it all up and at least try to have a good time living the way I am now. I guess I can regain the relationship I had with my friends, and create new memories with them. I'm not the strongest person. I can't be alone for too long or I start to crack.

One advice I want to give to everyone is to change yourself to who you want to be. You can follow your dreams, and make of the life you want. Why accept yourself when you can create yourself? I know I am. I'm working on becoming the new person I want to be and the new life I want to live. I'm on my way ...


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