Thursday, October 21, 2010

Don't Feel Obligated to Read This

I've been looking back at my journals, and I noticed they don't really give a good image of who I am, or what I like to do. Probably because of this depression stage I am in. I hate dwelling on the subject, but it's pretty much the only thing to do when you're depressed. Right now, I feel like I should just be honest with myself and get all of these thoughts out, so that's why I am writing about this again.

I stated a couple entries back that I had a personal breakdown after a family cookout I went to. The reason I started crying is because I didn't feel wanted or welcomed to the party, but it's also more than that. I didn't fit in with anyone else because I simply didn't know how to interact with these people. I know they are my family but I am in no means close to any of these people, and they wouldn't do anything more than look at me. They didn't say one word to me, and I sat in the corner until it was over. I know I can blame my family for some of that, but it's also my fault since I couldn't join the conversations. My anxiety got in the way. I know I should just suck it up and not care what people think, but it's seriously not that easy. This is something I've had my whole life.

But there's also other reasons why I started crying. In every non-lame-sad way, I am a loner. I have no friends whatsoever. I also don't have anything to look forward to. No where to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. I sit online for about every second of the day, unless I'm watching TV or talking to my parents. In my pajamas. I don't even care about what I look like anymore. I can wear sweats and a t-shirt 24/7. I let my face grow long. I can go days without fixing my hair. I just simply don't have anything to look forward to, so why should I get dressed up?

There is so many other mixed feelings and problems that just made me start crying. For the last 2 years I've been in this depressed/scared stage. My mother and I have came to the agreement I should try Prozac. I think it's a good idea. It might help me get out into the real world. I think 18 years is old enough right? Don't I deserve to be happy, and not scared to go out in public? Maybe I can get enough inspiration to do my schoolwork, and possibly get my web design business on the road.

I think this is the beginning of something spectacular. Don't you agree?

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